It's been a year!

Well it has been a year now since Mannix joined our family. I can't believe how fast it went! His ability to speak English has blossomed, I just  have to "translate" when he talks to someone not familiar with his accent. I stopped posting about him because as I started to be able to understand him and learned all the terrible things he went through in his 12 years, I realized it is his story to tell if and when he wants to. But I can say that being his mom has taught me how to become a therapeutic parent because parenting a child who has been hurt as much as he has been is much different than parenting a biological child who learned to trust you from the moment he or she first saw you. It keeps you thinking on your feet to try to say and do the right thing at every turn so you do not blow the progress you already made! :) I also find myself wishing I had all the resources I have now when we adopted Makenna in 2005. Each day I see a little more of that protective shield he has put up around him break off and I see a sweet boy coming through. He has made a lot of progress in school and finished up the year with A's and B's and only one C. He has grown 3-4 inches and is just as tall as Makenna. Matthew is trying hard to catch up to them. Here are some pictures taken over the last 6 months:

On the Disney Cruise that Andrew won!

The wonderful world of Harry Potter.

School day for Matthew and Mannix.

Super Hero!

Learning to fold the flag at boy scout camp in Virginia.

Learning to build a campfire.

Riding a bike at the car dealership.

Thanks for following!  Donna

Thank God for the Chinese take out guy, boy scouts, a little patience and discipline.

Since I last posted things have been going much better. Jinbao is getting used to being called Mannix and we are getting used to calling him that. He is picking up more English everyday. He was tested in school for reading comprehension to get a baseline and I though he would score a "0". I was really surprised when he scored on a second grade level. I think in school in China he learned how to write and spell in English but never had the chance to practice actually saying the words or hearing how they actually sound. He pronounces many of his English words like they would be pronounced in pinyin because he knows how to spell them. So when we are stuck trying to figure out what he is saying I have him spell it instead, then have him repeat the proper way to say it. Mannix likes to read and picks books way above his reading level but, would be interesting for his age level. He slowly goes through them and types any words he does not understand into the translator. Then he replays them in english and practices saying them. He is very diligent about doing his homework but does complain about going to school. I think he likes the teachers and learning, it's just dealing with the bullies that bothers him. One day he was so upset I just drove straight to our local Chinese take out and had Raymond, the guy who works there, talk to him. He spent a couple of hours with Mannix and helped him feel much better. Mannix tends to be very suspicious and defensive and there are cultural differences that he misunderstands causing him to misinterpret situations. Raymond helped him understand some of these differences. He also offered to let Mannix hang out with him every once in a while at the restaurant. He gave Mannix a Chinese bible and invited him to the Chinese church. We went to the church a couple of times and he was so happy to be able to spend some time with very sweet people who speak his language. An added bonus was that Matthew and Makenna really enjoyed it. We will try to go when we can but can't go every Sunday because it is not close to home.
Last week the problem with the bullies came to a head. I had previously been told that the school would keep the boys away from Mannix, however, they put him at the same lunch table with them. I received a message from the principal without details and Andrew was waiting for a call back when I went to pick up Mannix and saw he had a fat lip. We were able to get a step by step story from Mannix even though he was getting frustrated with the language barrier. I wrote an email to the principal with the story and told him that Mannix is learning to trust us as his parents so it is very important that we protect him from being hurt. I told him I was keeping him home until they could assure me he would be safe and if they couldn't assure me, then help me find another school he could go to. The principal watched the video of the cafeteria and was able to see that everything matched the story Mannix told us. Mannix's face lit up when we told him the principal believed his story! He went back to school and told me the boy that punched him in the mouth is not there anymore.
Boy scouts has also started and Matthew's troop has welcomed him with open arms. A couple of the boy scouts go to the same school and eat breakfast with him in the morning. They are also watching out for him at school. He went on his first camping trip this weekend and had a great time fishing, learning about sea turtles, owls, and sleeping in a tent for the first time. He was amazed with the ocean.
Sometimes he can behave very responsibly, then sometimes like a 6 year old constantly wanting attention and interrupting. It can wear us down but we are trying to have patience. He does not like being disciplined but is learning to accept it now. He is beginning to understand that we are doing it because we love him and are teaching him to become a responsible person.
He is starting to smile more and sometimes I hear him chanting, "I'm so happy. I'm so happy." He also had to answer a question on his homework about a big event that happened in his life. He said,"I came to America. I like it. I really, really like it."

Thanks for following! Donna

2 good days!

Well I wanted to post again because I wanted to say that Jinbao is doing much better over the last two days. I think he thought about everything we told him during the last meltdown. On Tuesday he went to school and was picked on by someone in his ESOL class. He told us about it that evening but much of it was lost in the translation, he was very frustrated and did not want to go back to school. We basically understood that the boy punched him in the cheek making him bleed in his mouth so he punched the kid back in the head. We explained to him that he needs to get away from someone who is bothering him and tell a teacher. Of course he said they do not understand him. I think he thought we were mad at him and he was in trouble but we were just trying to find out the details so we could tell the school. Wednesday he had a doctor appointment for shots. His Dr is great and speaks mandarin. She usually would not see children for the shots but she "feels" for him. She talked to him for quite a while about what is bothering him and was able to get more information about what happened in school. She also encouraged him that once he speaks English things will get easier. She also told him to call her if he needs to talk and that she will call him every once in a while to see how he is doing. We have decided to no longer use the translator or speak to him in Chinese at home (unless it is really important) to encourage him to learn english. So Thursday morning I went to school with him and talked to his ESOL teacher. The teachers were all informed to watch him and make sure they stay separated. The assistant principal also called me so she could get to the bottom of it. At first I think he thought he was in trouble while I was talking to the ESOL teacher, but looked relieved when I told him they were going to keep the other boy away from him. Maybe knowing that I stood up for him made him trust us more. He came out of school happy each day since then and tells me the names of all his friends. Then, when he gets home he sits right down and works diligently on his homework. He also hasn't argued with us since. So maybe we needed the meltdowns to make progress. Of course I am not expecting it to be all good from now on (but I wouldn't mind it)! Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward and we will get there.


Thanks for following! Donna

The honeymoon is over!

Wow, I didn't realize it's been almost a month since I posted. We have been very busy with school starting. Then Tropical Storm Issac gave us an unexpected punch. Even though we were under the outer bands of the storm, we had so much rain in such a short amount of time that the area we live in was flooded. We were trapped for only 3 days but the kids missed school for a week because it was not safe for parents to try to drive their kids to school or for the busses to pick them up. They will be heading back to school Tuesday but will have a lot of catch up work to do.
Well you are probably wondering why I titled this post "The Honeymoon is over". Sometimes with adoption the initial weeks/months are the hardest time but sometimes the initial weeks are easier because everything is new and interesting and the child wants to please the new parents. It is referred to as the Honeymoon period. As time goes by the reality sinks in and the child starts acting out. Well, we have hit that point. We are experiencing a stubborn, selfish, jealous, demanding, willful child that wants every minute of attention from us. At the same time we understand that he is grieving his lost life, having conflicting feelings about us and China, and he is afraid. He has also told us about abuse in the orphanage and how they tricked them into agreeing to be adopted. They say that you should determine their emotional age by the amount of time they have been with a family. He was with his family until 5 and another year in the foster home. That is about right, he behaves like a 6 year old in a 12 year old body. Even with all the training we go through to prepare for adoption and knowing we need to have empathy and patience for him, it is so hard when you have a 12 year old taking off from you in a restaurant, hiding under tables, dumping the salt and pepper out and banging on the table for attention! He had another meltdown yesterday because Matthew got to play on my iPad when he was using his nebulizer. Jinbao felt that Matthew should not use MY iPad because it had the games on it that Jinbao downloaded (without permission I should add). Thank goodness grandpa and Andrew were home because between the two of them they were able to get some very important points across to him. We will see if anything got through to him! I am mentioning all this not to complain but just to be honest about what really goes on with adoption. The other night Andrew and I just needed a break from it all and went out to a movie since grandpa was here and the kids were asleep. We chose The Odd Life of Timothy Green not knowing it had an adoption theme to it. Besides bawling my eyes out, I sat there partially feeling guilty for not having more patience, then questioning myself about not setting more boundaries early on so he could bond and adjust, then thinking about how the movie world paints a pretty picture about adoption. It's not reality, I knew this going in because of my experience with Makenna, but many do not. You can read all the books and prepare for the worst but it is so much harder in reality.
Anyway, we did go to Universal and Islands of Adventure for Makenna's birthday. We made the mistake of thinking he would enjoy it, and he did in a way, but I think it was just too overwhelming for him. He really wanted to go on the Rip Roaring Rocket with Andrew and Makenna and this was the result:

He declined going on any of the other big rides with Makenna after that!

Thanks for following! Donna

Birthday celebration, Legoland and blood test

Saturday the 4th was Jinbao's birthday. He turned 12 although he still thinks he is 13. He does not understand that when you are born in China they start with 1, but here you start with 0 and are 1 when you have lived a whole year. I am going to wait to explain that one because he is very proud of being older. I imagine it will feel like being left back. I was glad it was his birthday since Friday was a rough day when we went to visit the doctor. We had a chance to score points with him. We started out by giving him a Lego set. 1 point. He covered his face for the picture because sometimes he gets tired of us taking so many pictures of him:).




Building Legos with Matthew.




After lunch we had an ice cream cake. Point 2. He sings happy birthday in English.




Dig in!




Then we went for a ride to Ft. Lauderdale to visit my brother-in-law and sister-in-law at the hospital to see their new baby who was born 9 weeks early. I was concerned he would be afraid of all the machines hooked up to his new cousin in the NICU but he handled it well. We decided to take him out to eat crabs at Rustic Inn for his birthday. He was in heaven with goo running down to his elbows. Point 3.





Later that week we took the kids to Legoland and told him it was for his birthday. Point 4. He said he loved roller coasters, made a terrified look while on them then begged to go again. Here of some pictures of the pictures they took. Sorry for the quality but check out his face!









Some other shots from the day....





















So he had a pretty good week. He had one incident when he tried to take Makenna's computer from her when she was on it. When I told him no he went it his room and locked the door. I could hear him punching his welcome home balloon so hard I'm surprised it didn't pop. I tried to talk to him with the translator and even with Andrew translating some of it but he was so stubborn and kept saying he didn't understand. So I let him know I think he did understand and left him alone. He kept punching the balloon, jogging around his room and sat sulking for a while, then came out a new man. I decided not to worry too much if he gets upset because he seems to work it out himself and finally gets over it.
It was a similar situation with his blood work today. He was nervous but cooperative....at first.....until the needle was in and filling up the tubes. The nurse was great and patient. He got really angry and would not say goodbye to the nurse or let me touch him. Ten minutes later I was trying to explain to him on the translator why he needed to have it done and he kept making jokes about farts on the translator. Typical boy. So my new motto is let him get mad, he'll get over it!
Thanks for following! Donna

Two weeks home

I have to say Jinbao is doing much better than I expected. He has figured out how to get his music and movies on my iPad. The only disadvantage to that is I rarely get my hands on my iPad! :) But it keeps him occupied while the kids are doing the school work they have been given to do over the summer. Matthew is also taking 7th grade math via Florida virtual school so it is taking a bite out of the time he has to spend with Jinbao. On Saturday Sensei let Jinbao join the wood breaking class with Matthew. He broke every piece of wood on the first try, even with his head! Thursday we went to the water park. He was very unsure when we first went in so we started with the lazy river. I pointed out the slide and he said "no, no, no" but after a few more rounds of the lazy river he decided he wanted to try it. After the first ride down the slide he was hooked and kept asking for one more try.
Even though he is doing well at home, I am starting to notice that he is not as happy as he was when he first came home. Earlier this week we went back to the school to work on getting signed up. He was obviously very afraid and not breathing in a relaxed way. Matthew and I tried to distract him while we waited. We struggled through a conversation about WWII and the Japanese, using google translate. He believes that China is the best for everything, the best athletes, best cars, best girls, etc. He even told me that he only likes Chinese girls and would never have an American girlfriend because they can not mix. I just chuckled and told him dad is Chinese and I am American (according to what he thinks American is) and we are married. He just looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. Of course I just nod and let him go on and on about how superior China is because it is his birth country, but it shows he is really starting to miss it along with being scared about starting school in a few weeks. Today he had his first doctor appointment. I am glad I made it with a Chinese doctor down in Ft Lauderdale whom Makenna saw when we adopted her in 2005. Even though it was an hour away it really helped that she could speak to him in Mandarin. Before we went this morning he was panicked. He wrote on the translator that he did not trust American surgery. I wrote back, "you do not need surgery!" He wrote back," Then why am I going?" I tried to explain checkup or physical in the translator and he didn't understand because the translation is not always accurate. He just ended up saying he likes to be in China not America. But it goes to show you what strange things are going through their minds which makes them have a lot of fear. If you do not realize that then you could possibly think the child was having a lot of oppositional behavior. When we arrived at the doctors office he began to panic again and was repeating something I did not understand over and over again. I ended up calling Andrew's dad who was able to calm him enough to cooperate when we went back into the room. When the doctor came in she talked to me first then spoke to him in Mandarin. I could see him relax as she went through the exam. She explained to him that it will take about 6 months to feel comfortable here but it will happen. She told him how to take care of his teeth, about helmets, strangers, eating healthy and all the other things he needed to know. He left with a smile on his face and we went for pizza. Next week I think I will have to start working on teaching him the basic things to say in English so he can start getting ready for school. Any suggestions beside name, address and I need to use the bathroom?


Thanks for following! Donna

Home one week already

I can't believe we have been home for a week already. It was a little rough because I caught whatever illness Andrew caught in China but I am glad it happened once we were home. I am almost better now and also recovered from jet lag. Andrew went back to work on Monday and I am glad to have his dad here to help with translation when really needed, but I have doing well with the google translate app. It seems to be more accurate than the others I have.
I think we have made a lot of progress as far as Jinbao getting used to me being his mom. When adopting an older child I think it is a little harder to find ways to facilitate bonding. With a baby or toddler you have to feed them and care for their needs which also gives you a chance to hold them and cuddle with them. Makenna was 5 when she joined our family and she was also very cuddly anyway. I could also do things like brush her hair and hold her when swimming. But a boy of almost 12 is already very independent and doesn't want to be helped. Also, for me it feels a little strange to have this grown boy I just met and cannot communicate with suddenly become my son after signing a few papers. Sure we have been doing all this paperwork for a year and looking at his picture yearning for him to come home, but when the moment happens it can feel very awkward for us all. It has been a little challenging to find ways to help him learn to trust me. However, we have gone from him wiping off every single accidental touch from me to sitting on my lap in the pool. He seems to look forward to me tucking him in at night and every time I turn around he is trying to get me to look at something he has learned to do. I think it helped that Andrew went back to work and Jinbao was home with the kids and I. Seeing them interact with me gives him a chance to see me being caring with them (and I see him watching intently). Not having Andrew to depend on for translation has made us figure out how to communicate with each other. Another thing that I think has helped is that now we are eating at home, so I am cooking the meals (I know...it's torture) then putting the food in front of him. He says "thank you" right away then gobbles it down only stopping to look at me occasionally as he eats. So providing food does it for all ages. Swimming has also helped because he needs me to help him get through the deeper areas. Matthew, Makenna and cousin Chloe like to hang on me and let me hold them in the pool, so he observed this and started competing for a chance to be near me. I try to play along with all the silly antics he comes up with to catch my attention. I also felt that he was missing his friends and he was getting frustrated trying to get in touch with them on the computer. So I helped him get signed on and he said he was able to get in touch with them...another point for me:)
In a way I am glad we were not able to bring the kids along on the trip to China. At first I thought it would break the ice and make it easier for Jinbao, however, there have been some jealousy issues on the part of Matthew and Makenna which surprised me, so I am glad we had the chance to adjust to Jinbao ourselves before dealing with the kids adjusting to each other. They also want to try to make him do what they want him to do...yeah, good luck with that! There have been a couple of fights between the kids, one that ended with Jinbao and Makenna crying hysterically and the other between Jinbao and Matthew that had Jinbao locking himself in the bathroom. It is difficult negotiating these situations with the translator app but I'm glad I had grandpa here to help. I think that I handled the fights fairly and Jinbao realized it, which also helped his trust in me. After each fight, the kids were able to make up and played like it never happened, so I hope we will continue to have progress with them all adjusting to each other. I return to work tomorrow for the weekend and Andrew will be watching the kids so I've warned him to really watch the dynamics between the kids so he can figure out how to handle a situation if it comes up because it's not always the fault of the new kid on the block. It just appears to be at the end because his temper gets the best of him. Here is a picture of them including cousin Chloe before getting in the pool this morning.....





Jinbao does not like to smile in pictures so when he forces it it looks unnatural! We have to catch his cute smile when he does not expect it.

We were surprised to receive some pictures from his teacher of his trip to Austria last October. There were a bunch of them but I will just post a few.





A spot in the driver's seat of the ''Polizei" car


A ride on the "Polizei" bike


Playing soccer....looks like he's got the moves


On the flight


On the sleeper train


A visit to Tianamen Square, Beijing
Thanks for following! Donna